Good News

I GOT IN TO DENVER SEMINARY! Thank you so much for all the prayers and the help from all those that have gotten me this far. Now I need to start applying for scholarships which is more exciting. Keep those prayers coming. - Ashley

One Year Anniversary!!!!

Could there be a more perfect day?
The day started with a "Good Morning Beautiful, Happy One Year." And then the day took off. While Patrick had school, I was on a mission to find the perfect journal to to start the new year- new year= new journal. Well I could not find the "perfect" journal so instead I bought some paper and mended my own out of an old book and ribbon.
As Patrick was making the trek across town back from school, I was sitting on my bedroom floor watching Princess Diaries with my freshly painted toe nails and curlers lining my face. I love being a woman! You can always find the excuse to get all done up and this anniversary was no exception. I think he is the only one I want to dress up for so that is saying something.
He arrived in his white button up shirt and brown cardigan looking so...mmmmmh. With a quick kiss, and a smuggling of my parents steak, we were off to the grocery store to get the rest of our dinner -Steak, garlic mash potatoes, braised asparagus, and a Caesar salad served with a glass of our favorite red wine (compliments of J.LOHR).
I was dog sitting this weekend out in Highlands Ranch so we headed back to the townhouse and the cooking began- with Siga Rous playing in the background, I chopped while Patrick cooked- yup that's the way it is. This dinner was quite exciting for me because not only was it my first anniversary but I have never had a candle light dinner. When the dinner was almost done cooking, I told Patrick I had a surprise and I had stuffed an evening dress in my back without his knowing:) I figured I wanted to dress to the 10's even if we didn't go to 5 star restaurant because he is the one I was showing off for anyway. As I walked down the stairs he just looked at me and said - YAY! (which is you know Patrick means- mhmmm and yes!)


Dinner was delicious and company quite enjoyable! After clean up we watched Julie and Julia- one of my favorite movies and I have to say that Julia Child would have been proud of the dinner we...Patrick...cooked. For dessert, Patrick had a Coffee Liqueur, Chocolate Ice Cream while I ate Starbucks Java Chip Ice Cream- ah soooooooooooooooooo gooooooood.
With our stomachs aching and eyes lids drooping heavily, we fell asleep on the couch and woke up to the credits of Julie and Julia- haha- what partiers we are.
Anyway- we are hoping for another great year where we grow closer toward each other and continue following God's plan for each of our lives. This "love" thing is so exciting!!!! Cheers to you my readers and to you a good year too!

My Weekend Get Away

Above pictures:
1) My dog Tucker (haha) Patrick says Tucker acts just like me.
2) The painting I did for Patrick this last Christmas
3) Patrick and I doing...whatever it is we do.

I was reading my friend Nicki's blog and I thought I needed to not just see this as an updating tool every other...year... but start saying whats really going on and not glazing over a millions details. Therefore, the new an improved information from my head and life...

- Have you ever had a week where you are mindind your own business and all the sudden your hand hits your face and says "SLAP!" That was my week haha. The hum-drum of going to school, missing a few class because they are a waste of my time, a few tests, a teacher that seems to think I care about Biology and useless information lined my walkway as the week progressed. Those mundance chores were not however the source of my SLAP! My hand came to my face over another reason- life. Real life decisions that I was unaware I would actually have to make. (HaHa). I can not go to further in depth just because I still need to process what the reality of those decisions are. But I can say that I have alot to learn.

As this week rolled on, I just started praying that the Lord would give me a place to rest. Wouldn't you know it that an old caravan leader (girl scout kinda group), whom I haven't talked with in years, dropped my name to a friend of hers that needed a dog sitter for the weekend and a few days next week. My answer of a "getaway" arrived sooner then I thought. So this morning (Saturday) Not only am I getting my retreat center, but I am getting paid to visit. Don't you wish that was the way the world worked all time? I arrived this morning and so far so good. I have done almost everything I enjoy including: grocery shopping but making it a game to see if I can spend less then $25 dollars on a weeks worth of food- success; got a Starbucks Americano with 3 pumps of C.Dolce syrup and and 1" of steam breve; and after my last sip of golden hot fluid I went home to chop up my vegetables for the week. I have to say I have a guilty pleasure when it comes to cutlery- if it cuts fast and efficient- I become obsessed. I think I ended up cutting everything I bought, even the things that didn't need cutting. Now you know if you ever need to mesmerize me, give me a good knife- I'll be occupid for hours. After I left the kitchen I worked out with an old school workout video that was laying around the house and found myself at minute 30 gasping for air. Just a quick note- if you can run a marathon, it doesn't mean you have the endurance for a dance-cardio-abe-butt busting video workout. Just a note. After nearly suffocating, I locked the door to the bathroom and took a nice hot shower. I ate lunch soon after and have been laying in this luxurious bed for...I don't know how long actually. Tonight Patrick and his band are playing a show for a charity dinner (Saving Pets or something- I don't know) and then I will come back to my silent, isolated, purple... getaway home.

My mind is finally at rest and the pressure of life seems to be fading away. Hopefully, I will be able to understand what boundaries I need to implement in my life as to not go so drained next month.Cheers.

Last Semester

I have started my last semester of undergrad and will be graduating this Spring if everything goes according to plan. As of right now I am applying for Denver Seminary Counseling Licensure program and hope to hear back from them soon. If you think of it, please pray that I may get a scholarship:)
I am in seven classes this semester including: Human Sexuality (oooh lala), Human Cognition, Sociology of the Family, Learning and Behavior, Global Issues, Biology, and Sociology of Human Sexuality. Yes, it is a load! The first few weeks have had me stressed to the max but I feel as the weeks progress I will learn to balance the schedule better. The problem is that I enjoy every subject (except Biology) and it makes me crazy that I can't digest the information but have to quickly complete the assignment and move on to the next.
I just started a Bible Study with a group of girls and tonight was the first night. I have a feeling that it will be a great adventure and hopefully will develop into great relationships because God knows we need friends in Aurora. I am still singing at church for the time being, I am swamped with work so singing has been put on the back burner but it is still great. I am actually taking singing "lessons" from a friend and it has been most helpful in boosting my confidence.
On an exciting note, Patrick and I are about to celebrate our ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY!!!! WHOO! who knew I'd ever make it this far...:) We are doing great and I am continuously being confronted with the fact that there is a never ending abyss to my personality that I will never understand. It is the curse of the Psychologist to be able to read other people but get a blank, glassy eyed glaze look when looking at yourself. Thankfully we have friends that mirror who we are and Patrick is no exception. He builds me up so much I can not even express.
I am taking this Global studies class and have been overwhelmed at the fact that the world is full of suffering and pain. Patrick gave me the eleventh chapter of Psalms to ease my frustration at how life works- read it if you get the chance.
Well, I need to go to bed right now but just wanted to give a shout out to my five followers....haha...just found out you read this thing. Haha. Love you guys. - Ash

Mhmm

Wow! How the time has gone. It has been a year since I last wrote. I have not felt a need to update this post considering only two people follow it. Therefore, it is slightly more secret than facebook which I like.
So an overview of the year would be good. After Lucy was born I just went back to work at Starbucks till march than quit because a series of events happened that showed me it was time to go. Thankfully, the Lord blessed me with a Nanny job for the summer with two awesome boys ages (11- Mason and 8-Max), than another nanny job for 3 young kids but I just got laid off from that one. Back in January I started school at University Colorado at Denver and have felt more at home there than any other place I believe because it challenges me to view the world differently and formulate opinions. It was quite a shock going from YWAM to Liberal USA but I really appreciate it now and actually being in the world helped me to furthermore establish my belief in Christ. I am still studying psychology and am grateful to say I now have no hesitation going forward with a counseling degree and paying for grad school. For those two of you that know me, you know what a struggle it has been trying to kill some expectations and recognize and accept my gifts and talents. I am planning on going to Denver Seminary and getting their counseling license because I believe I need to know what my point of view is as a christian and develop my faith in this area. Being at a liberal school, although freeing, sometimes drags me down because little hope is offered and we learn were not greater than the monkeys. Well, UCD...I don't believe I evolved from a monkey nor do I have a common ancestor with a monkey. God said he made human. Period. I think that if I am going to invest my time and money into an education, its gonna be the education I want that promotes my belief in Jesus and challenges me to new levels within my field.
SO....school is coming along. Also, back in January I met my boyfriend PATRICK. Now this is an important name to remember for he is the most important person in my life. Hmmm- I guess January was a big month. We met at his church one night while I was visiting the place to see if I wanted to sing. He was the drummer that night and we said a quick "hi and goodbye," however...my goodbye was meaningful because I was stolen. Now lets go back to last October (the last time I wrote). One night I was laying in bed praying and felt the lord had something intense to talk with me about. I said okay and there it was the sentence that changed my future. He said- "Ashley, you are ready to get married. I have prepared you. The next man you are interested in will be the man you're going to marry." - God. ...Now you may be thinking- "yeah right," or "I wish God spoke to me that way..." Well when God told me that...I freaked. For two months after that I didn't hang out with anyone for fear of meeting the guy I was suppose to be with. HAHA. Meanwhile, I was also praying for a place to sing...God said to go to this particular church but not yet. So I waited. January 1st came along and the freedom to go to this church came. So my parents and I went to there Saturday night service and that's the night I met PATRICK. Brown-eyed, brown-haired, drummer-boy Patrick. He didn't really notice me to much that night because at that time I had brown hair and he only goes for blonde's- ha, jokes on him! But he ended up using his friends to get me to go out with the group and eventually we started talking. Ironically, the first couple times we hung out he made me so mad because he said I can't preach because I am a girl. Oh man I was so mad! I even came home and called one of my YWAM guy friends to talk about this "stupid, small-minded guy I met." Well, the anger faded when I understood his sense of humor and after I confronted him about it. Ha Ha. He just laughed and me and told me he was not serious, that if the Lord has truly called me to be a preacher than he would support me no matter what. Well, that was the test and he past. In fact he has past every test that I have given him directly or indirectly. We fell in love one night after we went to my church up in Bolder. We sat in my car for four hours talking, laughing and listening. We got tired of talking so we wrote on the fog on my windows. That's when I fell in love with the person I knew I was gonna be with.
Now going back to January. (I told you it was big). It was no coincidence(?) that Patrick and I met January 25th. In fact, if we would have met anytime ear liar, we would have missed the timing. You see, he had been dating a girl for two years up until January 1st-ish. Than he felt compelled to break it off for good. Than who comes walking in to church??? ME. I also found out he has lived in my best friends neighborhood all our lives. I probably passed his house many times while walking with Nicki. And his sister knows my best friend...small world. I have lived 5-10 miles from him all my life but if I would have met him any other time- neither of us would have been ready.
Therefore, being in this relationship with Patrick and taught me more about caring for people, having a teachable spirit and perservering through life more than any other experience or person has. He makes me better and I love who I am becoming with him. We went down to Texas last weekend to see Nicki get married and that was the most meaningful time we have had thus far. We both got so excited because we know that that will be us one day and I will get to walk down an aisle toward him. (crying uncontrollably from happiness). But I have prayed for restraint on my heart until we are ready and the timing is right for the wedding to be planned. I have prayed for the experiences we need before we get married to really see each others true colors and learn all we can. Therefore, if you'd care too I'd love if you would pray for me, him and us as we figure out what it means to juggle life and love.
.......
Let's see, I think that's all that's really happened. I went to San Fran to see another YWAM friend- Devin. The Holy Spirit washed over me. I've missed Him. There really is something about going to a church where the Holy Spirit is invited and than another where the Holy Spirit is castrated. (Not saying that the churches I go to do that...well, but maybe to a point they really do.) Hmmm- well I think that's about it right now. Thanks to my two fans for reading. Hope all is well.

The old is gone and the new has come...

"Beware of paying attention or going back to what you once were, when God wants you to become somthing youve never been."
- This is humanity. Some people are better at moving on than others, some are stronger minded and do not grow intimidated. But most of us at one time or another have tried to become what we WERE instead of allowing ourselves to grow to a new place of "what we ARE." This is the past two months for me especially. It is so difficult to be a different person than I ever have been in the place im most farmiliar with. I find I try to revert back to my old ways of thinking and my old mannerisms. Lets be honest, most days I fail to really bring Jesus glory but im just so glad that I have a savior that loves me no matter how bad I screw up or fail. Based on my last blog you probably have figured out by now that the fear of FAILURE is my ultimate fear. But failing at what, I don't know. I fear failing Jesus and not living up to His potential for my life. I fear that I will fail at my own expectations. I fear at failing others expectations of me (but i find that most people have much lower standards of me than I have of myself). HERES THE PROBLEM: I can not fail Jesus anymore, yes I can sin but I am saved. I am not saved by obedience or acheiving the "best missionary of the year" award. I was saved the very moment I chose to believe in JC death and resurrection. And Jesus has no expectation of me for He already knows what Im gonna do but gets on my level to help me know what to do. Over and over He promises that HE WILL LEAD. Im coming to the conclusion that Im just a sheep. Im fragile, desperate, and weak. I cant defend myself well, I cant speak right, I follow people and wonder out on my own...all the traits I see as weak...are what we are. Ha ha. There is some definte irony in that. Eventhough I am a sheep, I WANT to know my masters voice better than anyone elses. Have you ever had those times when you feel the Lord speak softly to you and you start crying because it was exactly what you needed to hear??? you may not have cried but that seems to be my reaction to everything these days, happy or sad...tears tears tears. His voice is beautiful and its trusting. I get the impression that so many times a day the Lord just wants us to know that He loves us. I hear Him say it alot. But then there are those times, He has to be a little more stern and say "do you believe I am able to do this???" I have been so challenged the last couple days with that. Do I really believe that the Lord can do what He says he CAN and WILL do??? Right now, I'd have to say no because my hands are still being pryed away from the options of my future, but its really starting to get there. Hurray. One of my good friends Jeff gave me a verse today that reads-
"But whenever someone turns to the Lord, the veil is takenaway. For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is THERE IS FREEDOM. So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord- who is the Spirit- makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image. Therefore, since God in his mercy has given us this nenw way, we never give up." 2 COR 3:16-17....
The veil has been taking away from my eyes and I have been ruined for the ordinary but its cool to see that even the ordinary with Jesus becomes the extraordinary (sorry for the clique) but its so true. It takes alot of effort right now to include him in my life but I don't know if my relationship with Him has ever been this real before.
In closing, life is scary, im not a victim, freedom comes with turning my face toward Jesus and washing his feet every chance I get. I want to worship, I want to serve. I dont have a real perception of reality and what life is all about but at least there are a few priorities that are in the right place. Thank you to all who pray for me and read this. I hope you can connect someway. Never feel sorry for me but be glad that these things have to happen. Id rather they did. Let me know if there is anything I can do for any of you. Love you. Ash

WHAT TO DO???? Sep 29, 2008

I have been back a little less than a month and honestly I am sad to report that this month home has been the ultimate test thus far. I am realizing I am much weaker than I thought and definitly a girl because I've been more moody and have been on the edge of tears more times than I can count. Coming back to reality is something I thought I had somehow already acheived while I was away because that was the reality that I loved. But now I am back in the place I left,having to deal with the troubles and trails I left behind. The wounds I had when I left just faded away from the surface but have pushed their way back up now that Im in my room again. I definitly don't regret coming home because I know it where I need to be. I am often torn between who I am and who I want to be but also IF i can be whom i want to be. I have seen signs of depression returning but thats just rediculous and a trick from Satan because I know I was freed from that. Daily I have to remind myself that the world is bigger than me and my problems and this period of my life is still tender and most definetly vulnerable. I am bitter at many things but I can pin point most of them. I am bitter that things didnt work out the way I expected when I got back. I am bitter sometimes that I have to live at home, eventhough I am greatful its just hard. My mom and dad know that so its cool to write that out honestly. Im bitter...ah...thats enough im bitter. I just want to be "better.." ha silly clique. I am constantly dealing with struggles I didnt know existed with money and power and having to choose a direction based upon minimal facts of my future and having to risk making the wrong choice. Its so crazy that we ahve to somehow choose our future in these couple of years after high school. And what really pisses me off sometimes is that some seem to glide right through this time with no hiccups while others like me take athousand different steps in some random directions hoping to end up where the Lord wants. This is really confusing and the answer of "trust in Jesus" sometimes Just doesnt cut it. I could be rash in saying that but at the same time I know the state of my heart is definitly in no place of trusting him right now. I am bitter at Jesus too for putting me back in a place that I have to battle through all these wierd snares and deceptions of the world to get to the truth of him! He would make me do that! Again, I still love Jesus but I know Im not trustin him right now and thats part of the reason I am so frustrated. I find it terribly hard to read my Bible or pray when just one month ago thats all I wanted to do. This is crazy. I feel like I am being bombard from several directions. My past, my present and my future and have to decide what Im gonna do in my life. It does not help that I have such high expectations for myself and feel like i only acheive success if its seen. But even if a goal is acheived and seen...it still doesnt seem to be enough. I will never measure up to my expectations, nor the worlds. What a seeky little trap satan sets up for kids in my generation. He isolates us, makes us think no one cares, and makes us defeat ourself in our mind even before we take on the real task of living. HMMMM. My theology is getting stronger but my understanding of GRACE is still wrong. and I give myself tooo much credit for being divine. ha ha. Somehow I think that if I make an adult decision Jesus will love me more or something and I dont need his help. Or if I pretend like I can do things on my own, He'll get tired of it and turn away leaving me the freedom to make a "scam decision" for my future anyway, eventhough thats not at all what I want....LOL. (if your reading this your probably going crazy)! well welcome to my world right now.
A few good things that have happened since being back: one of my friends that I really hurt before I left has taken me back and were cool now. Thank you for your forgiveness! Also, one of my co-workers that I prayed for all through the months told me that hes ready to follow Jesus! Thank you Jesus. Also, I am reconnecting with people and making all sorts of friends. Lastly, I have already grown up much more, im still scared to engage this world but thats because i feel like I have nothing to offer it directly or indirectly. The coined phrase I have for my life right now is "immature ameature" (i dont even know how to spell it. sad) But I know it will work out for His glory. And thats what life is about anyway. If I keep that in mind, HIS GLORY, than I know I wont end up shaming him and wasting my life. Dear Jesus please dont let me waste my life! Amen.