Monday, September 29, 2008
I have been back a little less than a month and honestly I am sad to report that this month home has been the ultimate test thus far. I am realizing I am much weaker than I thought and definitly a girl because I've been more moody and have been on the edge of tears more times than I can count. Coming back to reality is something I thought I had somehow already acheived while I was away because that was the reality that I loved. But now I am back in the place I left,having to deal with the troubles and trails I left behind. The wounds I had when I left just faded away from the surface but have pushed their way back up now that Im in my room again. I definitly don't regret coming home because I know it where I need to be. I am often torn between who I am and who I want to be but also IF i can be whom i want to be. I have seen signs of depression returning but thats just rediculous and a trick from Satan because I know I was freed from that. Daily I have to remind myself that the world is bigger than me and my problems and this period of my life is still tender and most definetly vulnerable. I am bitter at many things but I can pin point most of them. I am bitter that things didnt work out the way I expected when I got back. I am bitter sometimes that I have to live at home, eventhough I am greatful its just hard. My mom and dad know that so its cool to write that out honestly. Im bitter...ah...thats enough im bitter. I just want to be "better.." ha silly clique. I am constantly dealing with struggles I didnt know existed with money and power and having to choose a direction based upon minimal facts of my future and having to risk making the wrong choice. Its so crazy that we ahve to somehow choose our future in these couple of years after high school. And what really pisses me off sometimes is that some seem to glide right through this time with no hiccups while others like me take athousand different steps in some random directions hoping to end up where the Lord wants. This is really confusing and the answer of "trust in Jesus" sometimes Just doesnt cut it. I could be rash in saying that but at the same time I know the state of my heart is definitly in no place of trusting him right now. I am bitter at Jesus too for putting me back in a place that I have to battle through all these wierd snares and deceptions of the world to get to the truth of him! He would make me do that! Again, I still love Jesus but I know Im not trustin him right now and thats part of the reason I am so frustrated. I find it terribly hard to read my Bible or pray when just one month ago thats all I wanted to do. This is crazy. I feel like I am being bombard from several directions. My past, my present and my future and have to decide what Im gonna do in my life. It does not help that I have such high expectations for myself and feel like i only acheive success if its seen. But even if a goal is acheived and seen...it still doesnt seem to be enough. I will never measure up to my expectations, nor the worlds. What a seeky little trap satan sets up for kids in my generation. He isolates us, makes us think no one cares, and makes us defeat ourself in our mind even before we take on the real task of living. HMMMM. My theology is getting stronger but my understanding of GRACE is still wrong. and I give myself tooo much credit for being divine. ha ha. Somehow I think that if I make an adult decision Jesus will love me more or something and I dont need his help. Or if I pretend like I can do things on my own, He'll get tired of it and turn away leaving me the freedom to make a "scam decision" for my future anyway, eventhough thats not at all what I want....LOL. (if your reading this your probably going crazy)! well welcome to my world right now.
A few good things that have happened since being back: one of my friends that I really hurt before I left has taken me back and were cool now. Thank you for your forgiveness! Also, one of my co-workers that I prayed for all through the months told me that hes ready to follow Jesus! Thank you Jesus. Also, I am reconnecting with people and making all sorts of friends. Lastly, I have already grown up much more, im still scared to engage this world but thats because i feel like I have nothing to offer it directly or indirectly. The coined phrase I have for my life right now is "immature ameature" (i dont even know how to spell it. sad) But I know it will work out for His glory. And thats what life is about anyway. If I keep that in mind, HIS GLORY, than I know I wont end up shaming him and wasting my life. Dear Jesus please dont let me waste my life! Amen.