"Beware of paying attention or going back to what you once were, when God wants you to become somthing youve never been."
- This is humanity. Some people are better at moving on than others, some are stronger minded and do not grow intimidated. But most of us at one time or another have tried to become what we WERE instead of allowing ourselves to grow to a new place of "what we ARE." This is the past two months for me especially. It is so difficult to be a different person than I ever have been in the place im most farmiliar with. I find I try to revert back to my old ways of thinking and my old mannerisms. Lets be honest, most days I fail to really bring Jesus glory but im just so glad that I have a savior that loves me no matter how bad I screw up or fail. Based on my last blog you probably have figured out by now that the fear of FAILURE is my ultimate fear. But failing at what, I don't know. I fear failing Jesus and not living up to His potential for my life. I fear that I will fail at my own expectations. I fear at failing others expectations of me (but i find that most people have much lower standards of me than I have of myself). HERES THE PROBLEM: I can not fail Jesus anymore, yes I can sin but I am saved. I am not saved by obedience or acheiving the "best missionary of the year" award. I was saved the very moment I chose to believe in JC death and resurrection. And Jesus has no expectation of me for He already knows what Im gonna do but gets on my level to help me know what to do. Over and over He promises that HE WILL LEAD. Im coming to the conclusion that Im just a sheep. Im fragile, desperate, and weak. I cant defend myself well, I cant speak right, I follow people and wonder out on my own...all the traits I see as weak...are what we are. Ha ha. There is some definte irony in that. Eventhough I am a sheep, I WANT to know my masters voice better than anyone elses. Have you ever had those times when you feel the Lord speak softly to you and you start crying because it was exactly what you needed to hear??? you may not have cried but that seems to be my reaction to everything these days, happy or sad...tears tears tears. His voice is beautiful and its trusting. I get the impression that so many times a day the Lord just wants us to know that He loves us. I hear Him say it alot. But then there are those times, He has to be a little more stern and say "do you believe I am able to do this???" I have been so challenged the last couple days with that. Do I really believe that the Lord can do what He says he CAN and WILL do??? Right now, I'd have to say no because my hands are still being pryed away from the options of my future, but its really starting to get there. Hurray. One of my good friends Jeff gave me a verse today that reads-
"But whenever someone turns to the Lord, the veil is takenaway. For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is THERE IS FREEDOM. So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord- who is the Spirit- makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image. Therefore, since God in his mercy has given us this nenw way, we never give up." 2 COR 3:16-17....
The veil has been taking away from my eyes and I have been ruined for the ordinary but its cool to see that even the ordinary with Jesus becomes the extraordinary (sorry for the clique) but its so true. It takes alot of effort right now to include him in my life but I don't know if my relationship with Him has ever been this real before.
In closing, life is scary, im not a victim, freedom comes with turning my face toward Jesus and washing his feet every chance I get. I want to worship, I want to serve. I dont have a real perception of reality and what life is all about but at least there are a few priorities that are in the right place. Thank you to all who pray for me and read this. I hope you can connect someway. Never feel sorry for me but be glad that these things have to happen. Id rather they did. Let me know if there is anything I can do for any of you. Love you. Ash
